Caregivers
Finding Comfort: Using Music in the Grief Journey
By Tami Briggs, Therapeutic Harpist
Perinatal loss is one of life's deepest heartaches. What can bring comfort and soothe these incredibly deep wounds? Can music help us while grieving? And if so, in what ways? Music speaks to our hearts-often without words. Needing to express our innermost selves while grieving, music gives form to and unscrambles our emotions, helping us to access and release our deepest sorrows and other feelings. The healing power of music can be especially helpful during the time the loss is actually occurring, at the funeral or memorial service, and during the grieving process (months and years after the memorial service).
Using Music at the Time the Loss is Actually Occurring. Three weeks before your delivery date, you are informed that your baby is stillborn. Or after a long, complicated delivery, you learn that your baby boy has severe heart problems and the medical staff tell you your baby has hours, maybe days (if you are lucky) to live. This is a confusing, heart-breaking time. As one bereaved mother said, "My beautiful baby girl couldn't hold onto life and I had a lifetime of hopes and dreams for her, much more than her five precious days. The moment that I felt most spiritually connected to her and God was when you played the harp in the neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU). While you played, I took a brief respite from all the decisions that had to be made and the music helped me to relax and focus on the present moment. This was a transformational time for me when it became clear that I must let her go and she would be eternally safe."
The musical principle of entrainment is important at this stage of perinatal bereavement. Entrainment is when two or more rhythmic cycles synchronize with each other. For example: a baby with a normal heart rate may entrain with a baby with an irregular heartbeat. For this reason, nurses in neonatal units recognize the importance of placing the cribs far enough apart to eliminate this problem. This illustrates that the human body synchronizes with rhythms as subtle as our heart rates. Since music has a pulse or a rhythmic beat, our bodies can be affected by and synchronize with music and other sounds (computers, refrigerators, furnaces, microwave ovens, hospital machines humming and buzzing, etc.). This is why we need to select music carefully. If we want to relax from the often frantic, chaotic pace of the NICUs, then it is appropriate to select music with a slow beat. As we entrain with it, we slow down and ultimately relax. This creates a calmer environment, which is helpful to everyone--the babies, families, and the medical staff. A CD suggestion-Calm as the Night is a solo harp CD for deep relaxation and sleep, which incorporates the entrainment principle. *
Music at the funeral/memorial service. Music at a funeral/memorial service allows us to connect with our hurting hearts and "gives voice" as we say good-bye to our loved one. After dear friends had a stillborn baby girl, they asked me to play the harp at her funeral. It was an extremely sad occasion…every note, every chord brought tears and pain. As a collective, grief-stricken community, we recognized the music was taking us to our deepest wounds of sorrow. It was important for us to acknowledge this pain-a time for one final connection with the angelic little baby lying in front of us in her long, flowing, white baptismal gown. Later, one of the family members told me, "We were so deep in our pain during the memorial service, but at one point, I saw angels all around our baby Caroline. The music helped facilitate this incredible vision. I know Caroline was lifted to the heavens with ethereal music and she is safely protected forever."
Another example of using music at a funeral occurred last November when I played for a children's hospital's memorial service (families who had lost babies and/or children within the last three months were invited to attend). After the service, a couple came up to me and said, "When dear friends found out we were pregnant, they gave us a Cradled on Wings of Love CD * (children's lullabies). It was special for us to meet the musician of music that we have played over and over-we listened to it a lot during the pregnancy, through the delivery, and had it with us in the hospital during the six weeks that our baby boy was in the ICU. Unfortunately, our son didn't make it, but our connection with him today was so full of light as you played. The music really helped us feel his angelic presence. Thank you."
Music helps create an intimate space at a funeral/memorial service to express our deepest sorrow. It also brings richness, depth, and tenderness to the sacred experience of saying good-bye to our most beloved ones.
Using Music after the Funeral, during the Grieving Process. Hopefully, after the remembrance service, the bereaved doesn't go into isolation, but frequently, this occurs for a variety of reasons: friends and/or family members may not know what to say or how to be present with the intense pain of mourning, this huge loss may "trigger" other losses (e.g. what if this happened to me?), etc. This isolation, coupled with the reality that "my baby is not here," can make the days and months (and sometimes, years) ahead feel like agony. One bereaved parent said, "After the loss of my one-month-old baby boy, I found great comfort in music, making several personally compiled tapes of various songs that had special meaning to me. Your workshop taught me how healing music can be for those who are sick or in pain, and inspired me to purchase your CDs." On the other hand, don't be surprised if you experience a period of time when it is too difficult to listen to any music. Give yourself permission to be in the quiet; you will know when the time is right to re-introduce music into your life. As you begin to bring music back, you might try non-familiar, meditative music as this is less likely to "trigger" memories attached to familiar songs. CD suggestions - Blessings to You (my own compositions and created with the intention to help people heal) and Dreaming (a somber album to connect us with our dreams and deep longings). * Your choice of familiar versus non-familiar music is based on personal preference-it is more important that you listen to what brings you comfort.
Other ideas to support you during the grieving process:
- Select a song in honor of your baby.
- Find music that helps you release your anger, sadness, fear, and other feelings you have while grieving.
- Carve out time in your day to reflect. Play music that mirrors what you are thinking and feeling.
- Pick music that reminds you of your remaining loved ones, your friends, and your support system.
In conclusion, Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." When our hearts are broken after a perinatal loss, the vision of loving again feels far away and unattainable. Using music during our grief journey helps us access the hurt and as the pain is released, more space opens and becomes available to love, our ultimate purpose of life. In summary, music connects us to our pain, to our most loving self, to our ultimate life purpose.
All CDs mentioned in this article are created and produced by Tami Briggs, therapeutic harpist, and are available on her website: www.musicalreflections.com.
Biography for Tami Briggs:
Tami Briggs is a certified harp practitioner, composer, and recording artist. She has played the harp at the bedside of hundreds of hospital and hospice patients. She uses her musical experience and her clinical training to address the immediate needs of the patient, the patient's loved ones, and the professional staff.
Tami is the founding principal of Musical Reflections. The company's mission is to provide therapeutic music to facilitate healing, transformational growth, and well-being for those experiencing life transitions. Tami is a dynamic facilitator and presenter, working with health care professionals educating and encouraging them to use music as a healing modality. She has completed 11 CDs and Grace Notes is her first book; all are available on her website: www.musicalreflections.com.
